Warlocks everywhere cry out, “Who is this clown?”

Charlie Sheen–former star of long-running televised train-wreck “Two and a Half Men”, tiger blood enthusiast, and all-around winner at everything–has been making claims recently that have raised some concerns among the actual Warlock community.

“Look,” one Warlock said, adjusting his pointy hat and looking generally displeased.  “You can’t just let anyone run around saying ‘Oh, look, I’m a Warlock.’  It doesn’t work that way.”

“What my colleague is trying to say,” another Warlock added, “is that there are standards.  Procedures.  You can’t very well just say ‘I’m a Warlock’ and it is so.  We have all traveled to some layer of Hell and back.  We have seen things that would reduce most people to drooling husks of their former selves.  He’s making a mockery of everything we stand for, and it’s kind of offensive.”  He averts his gaze, clearly wiping away a tear.

“I bet he’s never even been to Hell,” the one Warlock said, petting a small demon he called forth by sacrificing a small child.  “It’s quite lovely this time of year, mind you.  Hell, I mean.  You’ve got to wear sound-canceling headphones, though, or your ears will be bleeding in no time.”

Efforts to organize such as “Warlocks Against Charlie Sheen”, “Real Warlocks United”, and “Please, Oh God, Please Take Him Back CBS We Don’t Need Him Sullying Our Good Name” have all failed because Warlocks’ tend to suffer from extreme bouts of paranoia which typically end in murdering one another.

In similar news, rumor has it that Blizzard will be replacing the Warlock’s Destruction tree with an entirely new Charlie Sheen Tiger’s Blood tree.  Sources say that Destruction’s removal is largely because “only pussies roll Destro anyway.”

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~ by PhilCPGorski on March 8, 2011.