Little-Known Valentine’s Day Facts*

In light of it being Valentine’s Day, and in favor of posting something other than a whiskey-soaked rant about how sappy couples make me die a little inside (let’s not rule that out as a possibility for later, of course), I thought I should share a couple little-known facts* about Valentine’s Day.  Complete with meaningful, informative footnotes.

• The celebration of Valentine’s Day dates back to prehistoric times.  The first official Valentine’s Day couple was the earth and a rather amorous asteroid; the dinosaurs, being quite the third wheel, were cramping the couple’s style and were dealt with accordingly.
• Cave paintings depict images of a yearly ceremony during which the happiest couple of a community is paraded around, showered in selections from the local flora, and then cast off the nearest cliff.  This practice was believed to help ensure a less insufferable year.  This practice still occurs in some parts of the United States to this day.
• The Boston Tea Party–the date of which has been the subject of dispute by scholars for quite some time**–was the colonists’ way of trying to share a romantic tea-and-biscuit snack with the king of Britain.  The colonists failed to realize what is now obvious (that being that you never try brewing tea in the ocean as it is full of unsavory things);  Britain threw a tantrum, the colonists decided that they should “see other people”, and there would later be a mutual defriending on Facebook.
• In some tribal cultures, the “valentine” is representative of an evil spirit that causes its recipient to turn into a drooling husk of their former self.  A medicine man, shaman, or witch–depending upon the culture–will create “valentines” for the low cost of the buyer’s firstborn.  The “valentine” is then given to ones enemy, or sold to a major American greeting card company for a less-than-impressive profit.
• Other tribal rituals involve the man cutting out his heart and handing it to his love-interest, who then takes the heart and purees it into a tasteful soup.  Or places it in some dirt and repeatedly clubs it with a large rock.
• Other than humans, bears are also known to enjoy a Valentine’s Day picnic.  It consists of a happy couple of bears taking a trip to a rural community, where they dine on a happy couple of humans.  An ideal bear Valentine’s Day involves there being some of the human couple’s dinner left, as nothing takes the taste of human out of one’s mouth like a good steak and a carefully selected wine***.

So there you have it.  A couple enjoyable facts* for Valentine’s Day.  Go forth, enjoy your over-priced chocolates and flowers (enraged hornets cost extra), and be sure to vomit your rainbows away from me.  Otherwise we may have to start a new Valentine’s Day tradition, in which I set happy couples on fire.

*Facts being used for its lesser-known meaning of “complete and utter bullshit I made up out of boredom”

**No actual scholars were available for their opinions, and so I substituted my own

***Or so I’ve been told, at least.

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~ by PhilCPGorski on February 14, 2011.